i was asked so i will tell

This will be a longer post. But I PROMISE. It is totally worth your time. Please, adventure along through my demise with me.

**Please note the names have been changed out of the respect of others**

Me answering my phone on 4th and main in downtown Los Angeles September 2012.

 "Hello?"

"Hey there. How are you?"

"Good...I'm good...just standing under twinkle lights on 4th and main. You?"

"Yeah I'm good I'm good, just workin on my lines. What're you doing on 4th and main?"

"Having drinks with someone at Pete's Cafe"

"Is this someone you met while fishing?"

"...huh?"

"Plenty of Fish? It was a joke..."

Apparently this is a dating website unbeknownst to me. Needless to say, his joke did not land well.

"Oh. Um. No. No, I'm meeting with a couple of my girlfriends"

"Oh nice. Well I was just wondering when you wanted to rehearse tomorrow"

"My day is pretty much open so why don't you tell me what works for you"

"Can you do noon to two?"

"That works"

"And where did you want to meet?"

"Uh, well I thought I said we could rehearse at mine, is that, that works right?"

"Oh sure yeah...but um, well will anyone be home?"

"I mean...my brother may or may not be- but if he is we'll still be able to use the space"

"No actually, well I just wanted to make sure someone was there so it wasn't just the two of us..."

"Ohhhhh. Oh?"

"Ya know cause you're so ferocious and whatnot"

"What?"

Again, another joke that, much like the Challenger, took off with the lack of a landing. (Too soon?)

"Uhh, well no it's just my girlfriend--

Girlfriend. The word had a blinding effect on me. Suddenly a heaviness settled onto my chest like a cat curling up and everything became white noise. It felt as if someone reached through the window of my house and turned off all the lights inside of me. I could not see and yet my eyes were very open.

"...well, I just want to make sure I'm respecting her so I think it best if we rehearse in a public setting where there are other people around"

"Oh. Yeah no...sure. Yeah...I mean...I definitely want to respect that. And I do. I totally understand....um, well let me find out if my brother will be home and I'll let you know later does that- is that cool?"

"Yeah yeah just let me know"

"K. Will do. Have a great night"

"Yeah you too...enjoy your ladies night"

"Right. Okay. Bye."

As I walked back into Pete's my face crumpled and like an indecisive writer crumpling draft after draft, start after start, my girlfriends faces followed suit.

"Oh no...no no what happened?"

(SIGH) "He has a girlfriend."

"Oh bridge...I'm so sorry"

"I just don't understand..."

And this might be the appropriate place to explain WHY I didn't understand.

Okay. So. Here goes:

I am part of an organization that influences and inspires teens to make healthier choices. Essentially I get paid to perform sketches that encourage kids to stay away from risky behaviors. In the past there are other people I've performed with who have had to step into other roles within the production forcing us to hire new performers, one of them being the guy that plays my boyfriend in these said sketches. For this role we have now had to bring in: Kurtis James White. Beautiful isn't it? Like he's some kind of 18th century poet or the author of a life-changing book that propels you to pick up your things and move to another state after reading it.

He's an actor.

We map out a day and time to meet and he comes to Santa Monica where I happen to be house-sitting. I answer the door and there he stands in all his bearded glory.
Disclosure: When I meet someone new I'm pretty cautious as I'm quite protective of my friendships, my circles and the groups I belong to so when new people come into that picture I can get a little sassy. In this case I was incessant

I definitely made it known that he wasn't welcomed onto the team just yet. I felt I had to give him a sort of initiation...perhaps similar to what they do in sororities or fraternities minus all the alcohol and nudity. (I never belonged to either).

As I keep verbally challenging him he seems to one up me every time. He has a sassiness that almost trumps mine. Almost. I'm impressed. With our tongues acting as tennis rackets and our words the tennis ball, it appears to be a very good match.

Eventually we find our way to the table to "rehearse". (I use quotations here because we only go through the script two and a half times) One may think that sufficient enough but then one would need the rest of the details. Onward:

This kid was at my place for 4.5 hours. In that span of time, while we DID go through the script two and a half times, we also cried together twice (not full-fledged sobbing but there were definitely tears involved). He shared with me the death of his mother, the relationship his parents had- their first date was at Disneyland- the church and how because it's family we will undoubtedly get hurt but God asks us to learn to trust over and over again-- his revelation of this via a beautiful youtube video where a whale has to learn to trust the people who captured him in order to be free again--we make food and as I chop vegetables and toss a salad, he picks up the utensils I've placed down onto the counter and washes them almost before I even finish using them. It's as if this is our routine we've had for years. I share my disconnect within the current church I attend, he shares letting go of his old church and finding the one he attends now, the darkness he experienced after losing his mother, our family dynamics- he is an only child and I have three siblings. And we discuss how we feel it has affected and shaped us.

At one point, because of all of his questions, I say,

"I feel like you're grilling me"

"Well I am grilling you"

I smile. "I'm not scared"

Reciprocating, "I know you're not"

Over the course of 4.5 hours together we cry and laugh enough to where, if our laughter came in the form of tears we would have had enough to fill up one of those small, inflatable kid pools. It was the most vulnerable I have ever been with someone in the shortest amount of time I've known someone. And I didn't mean to allow him access into her, my heart,...he sort of found his own pathway in and so effortlessly to where, after he left, I actually physically missed him. My heart hurt. Such a heaviness. To the point where I called my mom. I NEVER call my mom about boys.

EVER.

It was kind of a Big event. That's the only way to describe it.

Perhaps you see now why I didn't quite understand how he could have a girlfriend.

Moving On.

"I just don't understand...I mean...we spent 4.5 hours together! Why didn't he leave after hour one or hour two max?!? We made food together and he did my dishes. It was like this dance that neither of us has ever danced but somehow we both already knew how to do it, as if we had already been dancing with one another this way for years...we CRIED TWICE together!! What was that?!? And aren't guys super on task...they know what needs to get done so they get it done? We only went through the script two and a half times! Didn't even make it through the last half! And he told me about his mom and I shared stuff...UGH...if I was his girlfriend I wouldn't be okay with any of this...and not to be super creepy but my friend Ann friended him on facebook and she said there are NO pictures of any girl that would appear to be someone he's dating..."

(For the current record I NO LONGER condone friends facebook-friending the guy you could see yourself falling for in order to get info on him. Ladies, just get to know him in person, TRUST ME.) 

So my lady friends respond: "Yeah that's super strange...when you're in a relationship, if it's healthy and you're excited about it you want to scream it from the mountain tops"

Me: "Right?!? Man...I just...I really thought we had a deep connection...I mean, that was a very uncommon occurrence for me...sort of magical...I just, I could really fall for this one and that's such a rarity ya know?"

And this is the part where I look down at the bar top to the place I had put my phone after rejoining my girls from outside,

and this is the part where I realize,

HE IS STILL ON THE PHONE.

Yep. That's right. THREE MINUTES AND FIFTY-FOUR SECONDS OF EVERYTHING YOU JUST READ.

IN HIS EAR.

He.

Heard.

Absolutely.

Everything.

I feel it necessary to reassure you of that because like you, I had the same hope that maybe he didn't hear. Maybe he only heard chunks of words here and there...maybe that's why he stayed on the phone listening for so long, I mean after all, we are in a noisy bar. The other seven people in there with us may very well have been louder than my big Hungarian mouth not even a foot from my phone, right??

Which is why I offer you the reassurance. After you read the next part where I  freak OUT,

he sends a text message that reads

"We're cool".

!

And let me just say, we are so not cool.

And by we I mean me.

Me: "NOOOOOOOOOO! That did NOT just happen!!!! THIS KIND OF THING ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES!! You know, to the sweet, kinda cute but super awkward girl that you like but feel bad for "

The ladies: "Oh Bridgette...I don't even- are you, wow...um. Okay, just breathe."

I let out all the air I've incidentally been holding onto: "What do I do? I mean, do you think he heard ALL of that??? How do I continue working with this kid? How am I going to rehearse with him tomorrow? I CANNOT see him. I can't. I have to move...I'm going to have to leave my friends and my family here in the states....okay...I just need to cry for a little bit."

IS THIS REAL LIFE?!?

No comments. Just faces of sympathy. Pain even. Like my face just exploded and they feel so sorry for me but all they can do is scrunch their own faces and pat my shoulder in despair.

And just in case it doesn't really register for you, I feel the need to ask you to try on my pair of 5 1/2 Morgan Taylor boots I wore that night. Because that's where I think you'll realize, yeah...this doesn't happen in real life. It may of never have happened before this misalignment in the universe took place in September on 4th and Main in Los Angeles California.This could very well be the first time in history that this has ever happened because the stuff I've read in Seventeen magazine? Doesn't even compare. Oh yeah the thread hanging from your swimsuit your guy friend decides to pull on thinking he's doing you a favor by removing it only to find out it's the string attached to your tampon?

Still. Not. As. Embarrassing. (Though I'm not denying it would totally suck)

So that's it. My most embarrassing moment has finally arrived. It only took 27 years. I wondered where it was.  Cause' ya know how you go to parties or social gatherings and you play those getting-to-know-you games? Questions such as, well..."what's your most embarrassing moment"? I've never had an answer for that. And it's not like I necessarily prided myself on that either. I was just one of the lucky ones...until I wasn't.CAUTION: Don't wonder things you don't want to find out about.

There now. I hope you find joy in my discomfort as otherwise it would be a worthless moment to have taken place in the history of the world, and may you move forward through life laughing often amidst emotionally pantsing yourself or having your tampon pulled out of your swimsuit.