random photo shoot in venice

i'm pretty thankful for the west coast and my inhabitants here. it was about 65 or so degrees today. i wear skirts in december. i looked at the weather today in MO? i think there was a high % for snow. i wouldn't even venture outside. just lock me up, pajamas, sweatshirt, hoodie, slipper socks, a hot cup of trader joe's candy cane tea and love actually.

but here? i get to do things like this.











however there is always a time and place for love actually and next week i shall ensue the cold doing JUST that.

Oh give me a home...

There's a VERY good chance I could be moving into an INCREDIBLE apt next week. Please think good thoughts- maybe throw up a prayer or fifty :) We're talkin hardwood floors, a faux fireplace, vintage stove and washer and dryer hookup- this is kind of a gem out in this crazy land and if I could nab this place before flying back to my fam for the holidays (next friday) it would be a bit of a dream come true.

Think happy!!!!!

hearting hurt

I love you like grave danger
Like moon shining disguise
Mmm hmm
When I wake up with your makeup
And spread blush cross the sky

Like a meteor crush
I'm gonna tell the world
Been a million years full of tears
But I found my girl

My notion of love devotion
Was a corrosion of mind
Mmm hmm
Then come cupid and now I’m stupid
And I feel it’s just fine

Like exploding face
I’m gonna tell the world
Been a million years full of fears
But I found my girl

It’s a spun tongue
It’s a holy shit
It’s a loud cry from the heart
It’s a live death
It’s a big breath
It’s a no more we’re apart

Like a rainbow crash
As we bow and swirl
Been a million years full of tears
But I found my girl

Like exploding sun
Let the light unfurl
Been a million years full of fears
But I found my girl

--Million Years, Alexander Ebert

I'm just chokin down a salt year

when sugars all i've longed for-- Chris Bathgate

If we were children i would bake you a mud pie

Warm and brown beneath the sun
Never learned to climb a tree but I would try
Just to show you what I'd done
Oh what I wouldn't do If I had you, babe, I had you
Oh what I wouldn't do If I had you, babe


I recently watched Braveheart again for the first time in...15 years I guess. That's weird. To be able to say "I did (fill in the blank) again for the first time in 15 years"...that I would be able to put 15 years behind me on something other than myself. Other than my own age. DAAANG. Well, I hear your 30's are way better anyway...no one tells you that your 20's are a second puberty so any of you who have just hit your 20's or are in them splashing around like a child thrown into the deep end, unable to swim, I'm here to tell you the splashing around ambitiously is completely normal. In fact, I suggest embracing it. It'll save you a good few years of confused depression. And depression is bad enough w/out it being confusing. Just sayin.

Perhaps your 30's are truly where adulthood begins. I like to think my uterus will start acting her age around that time but this town doesn't lend itself to acting your age so we'll see. Lately though? I have actually felt a little tugging in there.

FLASHBACK TO MONDAY NIGHT WITH 4 YEAR-OLD KAIA

Me: "Okay now close your eyes and try to dream"

Kaia: "Okay but what should I dream about?"

Me: "Well you can dream about anything you want honey...like going to Disneyland with mommy and daddy tomorrow or...being a princess with your very own castle and beautiful dresses and white horses! You can dream about anything-"

Kaia: "I want that!"

(Beat)

Kaia: (As I rub her back) Do you have a daughter?

(Beat)

Me: Do I have a daughter??

Kaia: Yeah do you?

Me: No. I don't have a husband so I don't have a daughter...but someday, I think I'd like to. And I hope she's as fun as you are.

Kaia: (Yawning and smiling) Thanks.

3rd x's a charm...?

last saturday i pierced the left side of my nose for the 3rd time. i think that certifies me as insane (if insanity really means doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome)

however, let me just say that the first time i did not care for it as best as i could and the second time was maybe a touch better than the first. so THIS time, with no stage productions that cause me to hide it with makeup and no job that bans me from having it in i have made the commitment to fight for this little hole in my nose (or maybe i have just started to really like the feeling of getting it pierced...masochistic perhaps??) thus i have been caring for it like a small child. no fish. we'll go with the fish and so far, it's looking okay but i'm still nervous...there is a small bump near it, not really noticeable unless you're me looking at it 2 inches from a mirror but it worries me as i don't need an unusual bump next to my nose when i'm trying to be on tv. just sayin.

each day i chat it up w/God asking that the bump go down and wisdom on how to care for this new responsibility in my life. time (and God) will tell but i will say that if it doesn't work out this time, i MOST LIKELY will never pierce my nose again...(realistically speaking).

all the world is made up of faith and trust and pixie dust

and there are things i won't say today

that will someday be whispered into your ear.

i've seen us hold hands, your shoes in our closet and our drives down the mountain, our home up north and our flights to LA for work.

wait.

happy day dear friend. i'm so grateful you were born. looking forward to loving you well
as God moves me to do so.

september and him

i've found that whiskey when paired with patience is quite sobering.

My (black) Jessica Rabbit dress

the house that built me

happens to be my grandma and grandpa flentge's house on east north street. here's to them and the space they crafted together which lended to me the self i now see.

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

take me in

having a beautiful song written about you is almost like having a large white house with blue shutters and a room for painting rehabilitated for you.

just sayin.

anyone else remember mariah carey's daydream album?

i used to listen to the WHOLE thing over and over again when i liked Josh Triller who had no idea i even existed.

a little tempted to bust it out tonight as i sit beside my 85% extra dark chocolate. this is ridiculous. why are my feelings so hurt over someone i don't even know? better yet, someone who doesn't even know me? how did i revert back to 13 so suddenly?

i thought of someone i used to know

today.

the o in angel

i've felt like i've been pretty good about crushing from a distance so i'm unclear as to how this particular one snuck in.